Lifting that smile…

Too long have I worn that lazy excuse on my face.
The smile facing outwards towards the onlooking world. That mask that hides any of my inner emotions, the shield that guards against any unwarranted attention. It seems like a lonely way to live, but really it is my only defense against any broken hearts towards people I loved. It’s my only approach against misplacing my utmost trust towards familial friends. Too many times have I been left out in the cold, too many times I’ve been wondering why…

Ever since my high school years, I’ve lived away from home. Because of that, I’ve mostly spent my time with friends and have treated them like family. Actually, thinking back now, more so than my immediate family at the time. I gave them my time, my attention, and sometimes even my own money. You probably know where this story goes, and so like those stories, I was just as gullible. Only being able to learn about the world through one heartbreak or one mistrust at a time. It’s happened so many times, that the reaction has just became a natural habit. So over the years, without letting anybody in, it was difficult trying to make close friends. Simply put, I was just tired. Tired of living this kind of life. Tired of guarding my emotions having tried to piece back the broken pieces like the shattered eggshells sitting in the kitchen bin or that 2000 piece mosaic puzzle that’s still sitting on my table unfinished.

But more recently I had realized something. As they say, to make a cake you’ve gotta break some eggs. It takes trust to get trust in return and if you don’t risk getting hurt, then you wont get the opportunity to meet the very same people that think and feel the same way you would too. And through uncanny circumstance, that is how I gotten closer with YT and Oli as of late. It’s a nice feeling being able to feel that fuzziness of close friends after so long. I am thankful for myself of taking that chance again.

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Afternoon at the Mall

My hands reached out towards the power cord hanging on the rack. I looked back up. My friends were browsing some other store next door. So I decided to just continue browsing in the electronic store moving from item to item. Wasn’t long before I lost track of time and my friends were no where to be found.

I ran out and strolled through the different stores looking for my friends. I saw one of them from a reflection off a store upstairs. So I thought, well before I head up to catch up with them, I will just stop over at a cafe to grab a coffee to go. While in line for a coffee, there was an old idealistic lady that was telling some teenage strangers off and giving them an earful.
Young people these days. They have no respect for their elders. Talking away in that gawd awful language and foul mouth. No one respectable would be able to understand…

She continued to grill on them, picking out every stereotypical generalization and berated them while looking down at them with her head tilt slightly back. I wasn’t sure what came over me but I walked over and interrupted her.
I’m not sure what they have done, but I couldn’t help over hearing you. What you are saying to these people isn’t any better than what you’re doing. If you sincerely wanted them to be better citizens and people, be an example and not a #!@$#$…

I might have continued for a while longer. But afterwards, I felt really good about myself and having put that lady in her place. She had been speechless after my interruption, gave me a death stare, before picking up her belongings and huffed out of the cafe.

I too made my way out of the cafe and realized that the most bottom floor of the mall had been flooded with water. It must’ve been pouring with rain on the outside. I was worried that I would lose my friends in the mass of people. So I rushed downstairs to see if I can catch up to them. I saw people paddling in small rowboats down the flooded streets. It was a rather strange sight, but I didn’t really have time to ponder why. As I turned a corner, I had finally found my friends. They were dressed like Janitors and were cleaning up the indoors of some kind of store while singing and acting like clowns. I found it hilarious though. The way they danced, the way they acted, I began laughing hysterically.

It was right then that my subconscious caught myself and questioned, “Hang on… why are you laughing? Why are you happy? This can’t be real.” And then I instantly woke up, lying back in my bed.

Wise words from Marcus

Just now after I came back from work, I started watching Black Sails. In the scene where Miranda suggested to Guthrie that he may find the book written by Marcus Aurelius to be insightful. And a bit later, she reads him a passage from the book which resonated to my thoughts recently.

Be like a rocky promontory against which the restless surf continuously pounds; it stands fast while the churning sea is lulled to sleep at its feet. I hear you say, “How unlucky that this should happen to me!” Not at all! Say instead, “How lucky I am that I am not broken by what has happened and am not afraid of what is about to happen. The same blow might have struck any one, but not many would have absorbed it without capitulation and complaint.

No matter which perspective I take, I can’t deny that I am more the wiser.

Sailing High Winds

I had originally planned to write it in the positive emotions blog that me and Josi share, but I guess that these thoughts don’t share the same limelight as positive thoughts.

I’m at a stage in my life where the only thing that I find easy and effortless is my job and everything else either seems hard or it doesn’t make sense.

The thing that is really bugging me is that I don’t understand why things are so hard. Not hard in terms of difficulty. Hard in the sense that it’s a struggle, and that I have to put serious effort and concentration into achieving it. I take a look at my peers and colleagues. Some of them merely wish it or just cruise through their life, and they will attain it sometime in the recent future one way or another.
I, on the other hand, would need to analyze it, plan it, evaluate it, take action, reassess, setup, and explore. And even after all that, it may still not turn out how I want it. Life relies too much on variable chances. To someone who manages projects, I can see that there is obviously something wrong here. Maybe I am doing it wrong, or maybe I am over-thinking or over-doing things. But the fact remains, if I don’t do anything, then nothing will actually happen.

One thing I do understand is that happiness is a frame of mind. It is merely a matter of which perspective I choose to take. But sometimes the realist in me can’t deny that I am only fooling myself. Whether I choose to believe it is still up to me. There is one quote that I remember but have forgot where I had heard it from. It goes “When it’s right, it’s always easy”. Does that mean that other than my work, everything else isn’t right for me? Maybe so.

I feel that my age also affects how I am feeling. Back when I was younger, it felt like there was still so much of the world to explore. The destinations, its complexity, the people. Nowadays, I see myself more like an old man that’s living down the street, yelling at every street kid and alley cat that’s looking at me the wrong way. Not sure why that is, but that’s how I am now. I also feel that the only time I can steady my mind is when I’m either running or cycling. I do enjoy the exercise, but it shouldn’t be that those are not my only options for having a clear head.

I hope that when I come back from my trip next month, I will be able to catch more wind behind my sails so that things can be smooth sailing…

Coffee Talks @5pm

Being after CNY, today had been a really slow day at work. There was just a tinge of “I just don’t feel like being here” kinda vibe today at the office. Which was why I asked a colleague to have coffee with me.

Sheryl has been really special to me ever since I had the opportunity to get to know her. She’s one of the few people that I know who would say “OMG, I’m so glad the holidays are over. I can’t wait to get back to work. I miss the office so much…” hahaha~~~ But that’s story for another time.

Other than our usual talks, she was talking to me about relationships and marriage this time round. She was telling me that things were smooth sailing in her relationship with her husband up until after her marriage. I am always positive in my belief of relationships, and I reply that it takes a long time to truly get to know someone, so people shouldn’t rush into marriage. She counters me by saying that many things are just different afterwards that people cannot plan for. I can’t really pretend to understand what it is like from her position cause I’ve never actually been in that situation, so I politely nod.

I told her that the relationship that I believe in is one where both parties try to find compromises with each other, because not everyone is perfectly made for each other and that’s what needs to be considered if a relationship is to carry on forward. So I said, “it doesn’t really work if only one of the party is making compromises for the other and while the other does nothing to change.”  She looked me in the eyes and replied, “but that’s exactly what love is. You love the other for who they are regardless if they feel like they want to change or not…”

She had me there. Cause I also believe that too. Maybe I need to rethink my take on all of this…

Thanks for the encouragement Rocky!

I just happen to be flicking through the channels and Rocky Balboa (2006) was on. It just happened to be the part where Rocky’s son calls him out to the alleyway to have a “talk”. I’ve seen this movie before and thought it was decent. But I really listened to what Rocky said to his son this time, and it really hit home. I felt this way many times before in my early twenties, and I wanted to be reminded of it moving forward. Stay strong okay!
Thanks Rocky!!
(Please read it in Rocky’s voice~~~)

“You ain’t gonna believe this, but you used to fit right here. (He gestures to the palm of his hand). I’d hold you up to say to your mother, ‘This kid’s gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid’s gonna be somebody better than anybody I ever knew.’ And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watchin’ you, every day was like a privilege. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you’re no good. And when things got hard, you started lookin’ for something to blame, like a big shadow.

Let me tell you something you already know.The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!

Now if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!

I’m always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You’re my son and you’re my blood. You’re the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain’t gonna have a life.”

Super Size Me…

It was quite late tonight and was feeling a quite famished. Nothing within the vicinity was opened except for McDonald, and so I thought… okay… why not… I will have Maccers tonight.

So I went in and walked up to the counter. The counter guy asked me what I’ll have.
“I’ll have a quarter pounder meal please.”
“Is that with the chips?”
“Yes.”
“And coke?”
“Yes… and… could you super size that?”
And the counter guy said, “No supersize?” I had thought he misheard me, so I repeated myself, “No, please supersize me… supersize my meal please.”
He then replied, “No… there is no supersize.”
So okay… I didn’t mishear him. I then asked him, “Why is there no supersize?”
To which he replied, “Because we don’t have supersize.”

There was a short pause as the words were being replayed back in my head… WHAT?!?!? Maccers doesn’t offer supersizing?!?!?! Since when???

Instead… I ordered two meals just to satisfy my hunger. Oh well… that’s another way to get customers to buy even more…