Coming back suddenly from the past…

Funny how life sometimes turn out. I never really plan any of my days nowadays. I’ve been happy to get out the hustle and the crap that had lingered in my past, but recently… out of nowhere, some have come back to haunt me. It’s not like I’d done anything bad or something I regret in the past. But more so, my attempt to start a new life… one where I have different sets of challenges… not ones where I felt like I had been smacking my head against a brick wall for the entertainment of others…

I don’t normally read horoscopes… but last weekend, my Grandma took me to the temple near home to give me blessings. I had also gotten some of my fortune told to me. I don’t strongly believe in them, but I do keep them in the back of my mind. And strangely, over the last week, there’s been some uncanny events which occurred… which lead to me taking a peek at my horoscope for today.
And this is what it said for my sign:

You’ll be lost in your thoughts today, analyzing your life and relationships. You’ll be asking yourself if your existence is meeting your standards. You will ponder what to expect from the future and from the people around you. You’re in the right frame of mind to make a few life-changing decisions.

The weird thing is that it couldn’t have been more correct. It’s not as serious as it appears. But I can’t say that it’s not true either. I pondered for some time about it today. Knowing fully that I became a better person from my new experiences overseas, I feel that many of my judgements and outlooks have been even more holistic. With that said, whilst many of my outlooks on things have changed dramatically and am able to identify my actions and thoughts in more of an open manner… I had found my original un-mature thoughts and the evasion of them begin to resurface as those past issues have arisen. In other words, I hadn’t grown up at all.
Actually, I have in a way. I am now able to recognise that these thoughts and actions are not the ‘best’. Yet still, I can’t help the way I would still react (almost as if it were an habitual reaction). The foremost feeling I have is “anger”. I have spent a long time trying to find peace within it. To not let it be an irrational outburst for me, and to be able to control it. I’ve heard that controlled anger can be a very powerful utility, and that it can allow you to strive for things you normally wouldn’t dare. But saying that to me is the equivalent to telling me that if you manage to gather all the feathers in the world, then you have the ability to fly. In my innocence, I have started to collect these so called feathers as I come across them in my journey through life. Yet the more I collect, I realise it probably is easier for me to just stack tables from here all the way to the moon. The more feathers I gather, the more I realise how miniscule my efforts to building my flying ability, if I even accomplish such a feat.

Yes, I wont deny. My current overall quest is that I am trying to find my own happiness. I did find a small pocket so far, But just like the weaves of tidal motion, my past thought processes disappear for a while… and then they come rolling back to shore. There was nothing wrong with the old life though. But I can’t deny the freshness of inhaling a breath of fresh open air.

‘Just go with the flow’, my mind echoes as if to respond my unanswered questions.

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  1. my quest is to find happiness too. contentment or fulfilment, more like. its harder than it seems.

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