Archive for November, 2013

Freedom

I can slowly feel that I am getting worn out. Bit by bit. It wasn’t so obvious before, but now I feel like I’m always tired. Even a restful weekend was not enough to recuperate my strength, energy, and my enthusiasm. Things are slowly grinding itself into a norm. I’m still busy as bees but there is just not much that excites me. I do want to move into some thing different, but some changes scare me now. I never used to be like this, but I can begin to feel what others call stress and worry.

I was always pretty sure of myself, where I’d be, what I want to do, things that I am looking forward to. But now it feels like if I can savor the present moment, everything will just get up from there asses and flutter away on perfect white wings of freedom. Yes, wings of freedom… that seems to be what many people are searching for. I’m not really bound to anything right now, yet why am I looking for freedom, the same kind that everyone surrounding me is searching for. Maybe their attitudes are rubbing off of me and it’s not something that I would like to pick up. I’m sick of playing their little games and I’m sick of their attitudes. I really do hope things will get better for a change.

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any… better/worse…

These last few months have just been a total roller coaster ride. I think and feel that I’m in an awkward stage in my life. It’s like sitting at the tip of a pendulum just rocking backwards and forwards. In many ways, I want to get off… I feel tired, I feel dizzy, I feel numb from the sense of uncontrollable-ness from the fixed motion.

The thing is… I’ve gotten comfortable sitting there… from trying to adjust to it before. It’s easy now, it’s systematic, it’s easy. Change feels hard. Change is painful. This was something I was afraid I would find myself in, which was why I tried to keep on moving before.

It is unbelievably terrifying. This “stuck-in-the-middle” kinda feeling. It scares my bejeezes stiff… and I feel that the only thing that I can do is just to wish and pray. This helplessness is not something I am used to. I hope for the strength to do better… and gain the outcome that I want.

I wish…