Nearing the end of 2013 and my reflection of this year…

Hey guys.

I know I feel like every time I come here, I always say the same thing. But it really is the case. I’m sorry to you…, my readers, and to me, myself… for not staying up-to-date and be consistent in writing about things that are in my life, here in this blog. In all honestly, I really wish I can keep it, stay up to date with it, and to keep it creative and entertaining with everything that is suppose… or should I say, that deserves to be in there.

 

The real excuse is this. It’s not because I’m having the time of my life… (well upon reflection, it definitely is exciting, but not in the seat of your pants kind of way) and that I don’t have the time to sit down properly to type. Every work day… all I can say is it’s starting to feel like groundhog’s day. Except that I am dealing with something different everyday. But overall, it’s the same. Work, eat, TV, sleep. This goes on every day mostly. I do go out for runs at the exercise stadium once/twice a week. But those things… I would not call variations to my week. I can really feel my life and creativity being slowly drained out of me. And in a way, I’ve became a hollow shell. Last thing I want to do at the end of a busy day is to just sit in front of the computer and blog… pretending that I am happier than I actually am.

 

I dislike this. This is not me, nor is it where I want to be. Where did I go wrong? Well I can’t say that I went wrong somewhere. The proper question would be how did I get myself into this kind of situation? So far, I have learned so much I do not regret it at all. For example, only just in a little under a year I have taught myself Chinese. From absolutely 0 to what you see below. It was forced out by my immediate environment which challenged me to adapt and change. 就像這樣。我以前沒辦法這樣打字,也看不懂。但現在都可以了! 我覺得自己很厲害… 哈哈哈 從完全不懂道可以溝通了。真的很戰!

This year, I have put myself out to my very limit. I am both grateful and yet feel highly intolerable of this year. I know this seems quite contradicting but that’s how it feels to me. I do know how everything that had panned out had been the direct cause of my own actions, yet it sux being on this end of the stick. Maybe it’s a bout time for a change of environment, a change of life pattern. Every time when I find myself in these kinds of situation, I always end up leaving to another place. It may seem like I’m running away, looking for another way out. But it’s not like that. It is more like not being able to find a place where I can truly feel that I fit in. And in this sense, I feel pity for myself and sorrow because I do try so hard. But maybe this just isn’t hard enough. I dunno.

 

It had also been a long time since I have realistically reflected on myself. I used to do it often or every so often. It was something I did to keep my own self living in the moment. But I can honestly say, it’s been a good 10 months since I’ve done anything like that. And I’m turning to it now because I feel like I’ve really hit the dumps this time round. I wish and hope for a better future (same as the millions of people in this country I suppose), but I know I can do much better.

I think for now, I will cut it off here otherwise I will begin writing about something dark and horrible, and none of you deserve to read that rain cloud type of blog. I want to write about things that are worthwhile to be read. I need to find that something.

 

Tomorrow is another day…

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  1. it’s fine if it’s dark, or bright chirpy blog… I’m just looking through this as a window to your life and a bit of your soul. Good thing that you have learned mandarin, although I would argue you already know a bit to begin with and just needed some constant practice to get better 🙂

    I would say that the rhythm of working life can be quite dull, but it’s a means to an end – for me, it’s currently about paying off the bills and also growing the career where I can (be bothered). It’s ok because I know some days are better than others, and I look forward to the days when I solve another problem that I had no idea how to deal with at the beginning. Maybe start looking for the small wins will help you see the silver lining in your everyday life?

    Unless your job is JUST to neuter dogs everyday or something like that…XDD

    • Yeah… I know Franky… but really, self expression is such a fulfilling thing sometimes. It does heal the soul in a small way. I can somewhat understand why people can suddenly change their life and career orientations.
      Following the note about Chinese… you seriously have no idea. You may say that I knew a bit b4 i started, but in reality… i knew nothing compared to what I know now. And anything you thought you knew about my Chinese, you are sadly fooled and mistaken. I’m ashamed that I didnt get a better chance to know about my heritage when I was younger, though I couldnt really be blamed for it.. neither can my parents, just the way it worked out.

      You talked about the small wins in life… I used to live like that all of last year and the start of this year. But these last few months have been different. Facing everyday challenges that you cannot change. You may try and try again everyday… but many things are just outta your hands. One day man… things will be different.

      • lol well if the situation is draining the life out of you… perhaps start looking for the horse while you’re riding the donkey? 🙂 And yeah my Chinese has been slowly rusting away – I try to use it more often at home and talk to my asian coworkers in chinese, but it’s not as intense as your environment and requirements obviously!

        By the way are you living close to the confucius park and also the small stadium in taichung? Just wondering because that’s quite close to where my grandparents are 🙂

      • Nah, I live really far away from there…. close enough to get to by car, but it’s kinda in another district…

        BTW, i wanna drive a car, not horseback riding… but a car is enough… no need to be fancier than that.

  2. Happy new year Allen 🙂 miss you xx

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