First update in 2015

Hey Guys,

Looks like it’s the first post here for 2015. I haven’t really had much time to … “daydream”? If that’s what you would call it. Gotta get my inspiration from somewhere right? The reason behind the absence however, is that I’ve just been so busy with work. Every day it feels like work, then bed, work, then bed. And almost nothing in between apart from eating.

Groundhogs day!

But it’s not like before as I do like my job and enjoy what I do. That difference between liking what you do and not liking it but having to still put in the long hours is just immensely different. But still, if one can help it, it would be better if they do not need to spend so long on their work.

I wanted to do a new year’s resolution thing earlier this year. But I’ve been really busy with work since October last year. It hasn’t really cooled down till about now. Just a bit surprised I guess. It doesn’t matter where you go, there will always be complicated and annoying issues that we have to deal with. Guess that’s what I signed up for when I accepted this job anyways.

Being in a totally different industry allows me to experience things I never actually thought of before and it gives me a chance to learn an abundance of new things… which I might at is quite interesting, just that I never really had any real interest in it before.

Anyways, that’s just a brief update about how things are for me… I really would like to write about other things or thoughts. So for now, I will leave it here.

Still alive guys!

To S & T

Last night, Selph messaged me and told me that T popped the question to her and they were gonna get engaged. Two of my best friends finally tying the knot after 10 years since I’ve known them. We all knew that this was bound to happen, but they’ve been together for so long, that none of us were really expecting it.

When she told me, I was so happy. This was one of the most amazing news I’ve heard in a while. Yet as it slowly sunk in, it kinda made me sad. How many of my close friends have I missed. So many of them have gotten married or are about to get engaged, and I’ve missed every single one. Yes, I’ve attended some of them, but only if the reception was somewhere in the local area. It pains me personally not actually being there and supporting them in such momentous parts of their life.

I’ve been to a few weddings over these few years. But none of which really meant all that much to me. There were a few that were relatives, one of them being a cousin of mine. There were work colleagues wedding, and there were also friends of friend’s that I had attended. So many of these events which would have actually meant something to me, I have actually missed. Talk about priorities right? I’m such a failure in that respect. The only one that I made and did something about was the one for Mike and Janet, and even then that was cause they hosted an additional reception here where I was. I know that things have been difficult for me and being far away from everybody else, especially over the past half a decade, but I know I could’ve done more. Sometimes, even though your heart could be in the right place, it really doesn’t matter if you made no effort to begin with.

I know it’s a personal decision to choose not to use FB, because society has now grown around it and has somewhat become dependent of it, I’ve basically excluded myself from all my friends who do use it. Dunno, it just sux how things have come to be…

Catch 22

Earlier today, my colleague was discussing an issue with me. Our team currently are in a bit of a catch 22. If we push for one of the issues, it will make our work easier to follow but will make every other team we work with very difficult and a hassle for them. Yet on the other hand, if we stay silent and carry on as it is, we face a lot of missing data and communication as well as inconsistency within our records.

Whichever result we reach, we will still get the short end of the straw. Tough break.

She then replied me, all we can do is carry on and see how much we can do and cover. In response to her, I said ‘Every candle only has a certain length of wick.’

She was pretty intrigued by this statement. ‘Very deep’, she said. ‘I would like to remember this. But regarding our current situation, fizzling out isn’t the best option for us.’

I nod in agreement. ‘Well…’ I replied, ‘you could be a dynamite instead of a candle instead’.

She laughed.

Muesli the Monkey

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflecting. It’s been awhile since I’ve done so. I’ve just been really busy with work, the new environment, and new people (kinda) and it was … well I wouldn’t say it was difficult, but I guess I never made any time for nothing. Any spare time I did have, I spent it watching TV or just messing about on the computer.

Since things have become more routine, I find that I have gained back some of that time. The time I’d be usually trying to figure out things and how to do the next step. So I guess instead of looking forward, I’ve been thinking back a lot lately you could say. This time round, I’ve been thinking of all the things I’ve done right in life, and the things that I haven’t done so well. It’s really hard to get a precise gage on the matters as there are no real benchmarks I could really compare it to.
People do say.…your life is your own and that you shouldn’t really be comparing to any other person. Which is true… But I do want to know if the direction I’m heading is actually something that I want. I think there’s nothing quite frightening as heading down a path and knowing that there is no way back…

Right now, I’m just staring at my monkey doll.. And it’s just staring right back at me. He’s looking at me going… hey… you have it pretty sweet. What are you worried about?
I’m giving it the, don’t give me that crap look and I tell him to walk in my shoes.

He gives me that sly smile of his and replies, I understand, but you need not worry about the rest… just hang in there and keep trying.

Damn Monkey! You and your trivial replies!

DSC_1571

Transformers 3

After all these years, I have worked really hard towards hoping that I head towards the right direction. A place where I think I would’ve made a difference, a place where I thought I would be happy. I’ve made some sacrifices, but I’ve also gained a lot in return. It’s been slowly getting better so far… but I just can’t deny this feeling I have within me.

Am I happy? I would reply, Yes. But if you were to ask me if I was content, the answer would be No. In many ways now, I know I should feel content and yet, deep down in my guts I just can’t shake it.
This personality trait of mine has been good and bad. Good in the way that it has constantly pushed me to strive for more and strive for better. Even in the face of giving up, it’s helped me to push on. But the bad way? It’s like a weak acid covering everything that is me. It’s slowly eating away my happiness, it’s slowly eating away empathy, and it’s slowly eating away my patience.

I had the TV playing in the background and Transformers 3 was on. I wasn’t really paying any attention as I was on my iPad. Later in the night, there was this song that had been replaying in the back of my mind, and it took me awhile to realize that it was from T3 the Movie which had been on earlier. It was like the song was speaking to me…

 

LINKIN PARK – Iridescent

When you were standing in the wake of devastation

When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown

And with the cataclysm raining down

Insides crying, “Save me now!”

You were there, impossibly alone

 

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

 

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel

As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars

You felt the gravity of tempered grace

Falling into empty space

No one there to catch you in their arms

 

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

 

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

 

Let it go

Let it go

Let it go

Let it go

 

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go.

 

 And yet, I’m still having difficulties letting it go…

Keep Dreaming

I’m not quite sure why, but today has just been one of those days where I feel like I’m riding that roller-coaster called life. It had been good mostly, yet I still can’t shake the negative thoughts that are in the back of my mind. It’s been times like this where I really want change. Changes that are positive. Changes that would allow me to move on and to make sense of the world just that little more. And with lightning and thunder blasting away in the middle of the night right now, I wonder whether if the rain will wash away some of my misery … and will lead me to paths that I can make something of and to build on…

I came across this website which I would like to share. I will translate it below…

  1. Optimism is an attitude.
  2. If you don’t go out, you will only know of the world which you currently see.
  3. You don’t have to say everything that you know; and don’t trust everything that you see.
  4. Don’t take in too much of what others perceive of you, walk the path that is yours and let the onlookers say whatever it is they want to say.
  5. Shape ones self and through the pain of the process, you will eventually reap the benefits of your changes.
  6. Marriage is not about not fighting with each other, but it’s about fighting with each other and still being able to be together forever.
  7. Growing and maturing is most often the most painful of times.
  8. Superficial flaunting may not necessary be a good thing. However, setting aside one’s appearance is the real essence of life.
  9. Sometimes trusting someone means you will get shot.
  10. Do not despair. Life is like an ECG (electrocardiogram). If you’re living life too smoothly, it probably means that you’re already dead.
  11. Sometimes, when something you thought was funny happens to you, it no longer becomes a laughing matter.
  12. Sometimes, do not be fooled by appearances.
  13. What’s really scary are not real bad people, but fake good people.
  14. Has the love of life come upon you yet?
  15. Be sure to constantly tell yourself, never to give up!
  16. As a matter of fact, it’s not because that you are alone, it’s just that you chose a different path from everyone else.

Even though we know all this… sometimes it’s nice to be reminded again when you’re feeling down…

Next move…

These last few weeks have been awesome for me. To update you on what’s been going on… I’ve recently moved to a new job and so far, it’s been good. I’ve met some nice people, and work has been challenging and intense, but exciting. The reason for wanting to write about it here today is that for one of the first time in my life, I actually am enjoying it. I’ve only somewhat mentioned it to some of my friends, but they always give me the same look. The “How can you be this happy about work and your job?”
But in all seriousness, I’m really happy about the things that I’m learning, I’m really happy about my working environment, I’m happy about how cool my boss is… (for now… need more time to reconfirm… haha), I’m really happy about my schedules, and basically am just happy about what I’m doing. I’m still not 100% sure that I’m feeling this way because everything is new, but it had never been like this whenever I had started at a new place. You know, it’s like the new girlfriend analogy. When she’s new, all you wanna do is to just hang out all the time. But unless it’s like true love, you normally will get bored after a while.

For now, I feel that life is good. Whilst I can’t say that I am happy 100% of the time, but at least I feel that I am heading in the right direction.