Transformers 3

After all these years, I have worked really hard towards hoping that I head towards the right direction. A place where I think I would’ve made a difference, a place where I thought I would be happy. I’ve made some sacrifices, but I’ve also gained a lot in return. It’s been slowly getting better so far… but I just can’t deny this feeling I have within me.

Am I happy? I would reply, Yes. But if you were to ask me if I was content, the answer would be No. In many ways now, I know I should feel content and yet, deep down in my guts I just can’t shake it.
This personality trait of mine has been good and bad. Good in the way that it has constantly pushed me to strive for more and strive for better. Even in the face of giving up, it’s helped me to push on. But the bad way? It’s like a weak acid covering everything that is me. It’s slowly eating away my happiness, it’s slowly eating away empathy, and it’s slowly eating away my patience.

I had the TV playing in the background and Transformers 3 was on. I wasn’t really paying any attention as I was on my iPad. Later in the night, there was this song that had been replaying in the back of my mind, and it took me awhile to realize that it was from T3 the Movie which had been on earlier. It was like the song was speaking to me…

 

LINKIN PARK – Iridescent

When you were standing in the wake of devastation

When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown

And with the cataclysm raining down

Insides crying, “Save me now!”

You were there, impossibly alone

 

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

 

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel

As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars

You felt the gravity of tempered grace

Falling into empty space

No one there to catch you in their arms

 

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

 

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

 

Let it go

Let it go

Let it go

Let it go

 

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go.

 

 And yet, I’m still having difficulties letting it go…

Keep Dreaming

I’m not quite sure why, but today has just been one of those days where I feel like I’m riding that roller-coaster called life. It had been good mostly, yet I still can’t shake the negative thoughts that are in the back of my mind. It’s been times like this where I really want change. Changes that are positive. Changes that would allow me to move on and to make sense of the world just that little more. And with lightning and thunder blasting away in the middle of the night right now, I wonder whether if the rain will wash away some of my misery … and will lead me to paths that I can make something of and to build on…

I came across this website which I would like to share. I will translate it below…

  1. Optimism is an attitude.
  2. If you don’t go out, you will only know of the world which you currently see.
  3. You don’t have to say everything that you know; and don’t trust everything that you see.
  4. Don’t take in too much of what others perceive of you, walk the path that is yours and let the onlookers say whatever it is they want to say.
  5. Shape ones self and through the pain of the process, you will eventually reap the benefits of your changes.
  6. Marriage is not about not fighting with each other, but it’s about fighting with each other and still being able to be together forever.
  7. Growing and maturing is most often the most painful of times.
  8. Superficial flaunting may not necessary be a good thing. However, setting aside one’s appearance is the real essence of life.
  9. Sometimes trusting someone means you will get shot.
  10. Do not despair. Life is like an ECG (electrocardiogram). If you’re living life too smoothly, it probably means that you’re already dead.
  11. Sometimes, when something you thought was funny happens to you, it no longer becomes a laughing matter.
  12. Sometimes, do not be fooled by appearances.
  13. What’s really scary are not real bad people, but fake good people.
  14. Has the love of life come upon you yet?
  15. Be sure to constantly tell yourself, never to give up!
  16. As a matter of fact, it’s not because that you are alone, it’s just that you chose a different path from everyone else.

Even though we know all this… sometimes it’s nice to be reminded again when you’re feeling down…

Next move…

These last few weeks have been awesome for me. To update you on what’s been going on… I’ve recently moved to a new job and so far, it’s been good. I’ve met some nice people, and work has been challenging and intense, but exciting. The reason for wanting to write about it here today is that for one of the first time in my life, I actually am enjoying it. I’ve only somewhat mentioned it to some of my friends, but they always give me the same look. The “How can you be this happy about work and your job?”
But in all seriousness, I’m really happy about the things that I’m learning, I’m really happy about my working environment, I’m happy about how cool my boss is… (for now… need more time to reconfirm… haha), I’m really happy about my schedules, and basically am just happy about what I’m doing. I’m still not 100% sure that I’m feeling this way because everything is new, but it had never been like this whenever I had started at a new place. You know, it’s like the new girlfriend analogy. When she’s new, all you wanna do is to just hang out all the time. But unless it’s like true love, you normally will get bored after a while.

For now, I feel that life is good. Whilst I can’t say that I am happy 100% of the time, but at least I feel that I am heading in the right direction.

Guardian Angels

Having the faith and the peace of mind that this special someone or something is there and is looking out for you is great. As all of us know, in life we encounter the many ups and the many downs that are thrown at us. Who wouldn’t want to have a divine protector who understands us and keep us away from harms way? When we believe that we have a miraculous Guardian Angel entity who catches us or steers us away from harm, and who celebrates or supports us in times of joy, it gives us the strength to move forward and the courage to overcome difficulties. Because we understand that we are not alone, it lets us know that all will be okay…

Yet what happens when your special guardian does not agree on your views, your needs, or your wants? They care for you, they want you to do what is right, they do not want you to get hurt in any way possible… even if it’s against your beliefs or desires? What then? Are they still considered your guardian angels? Is every kind of protection from pain the best way to mill through life? When the life you lead somehow becomes dictated, and you are not ‘allowed’ to make your own life’s choices — even if they aren’t the best choices…? What then… ?

What is the line that separates them from being true angels or just another big brother? For what reasons or circumstances would they be considered a blessing or a curse? Whether it’s for protection or for further engaging with life and its choices, both are still considered forms of love… So who is to say which type of love should trump the other…?

…or in the end, we are all a bit frazzled and confused just like Rapunzel.

But then again… she wouldn’t have gotten to known Flynn Rider!!!!

When I felt lost…

I found this lil note wedged in between my work diary from last year. I pulled it out and had a read.
I thought it would be nice to share with you guys.

“It’s difficult to see the end of the tunnel when there is so much going on. The glare disrupts what is actually perceived and clouds the mind like a heavy thunderstorm. It is hard to give a proper judgement. Even harder when you want to believe in fantasies.

Even though there is no such thing as a right or wrong answer, mistakes are possible. And when those happen, it would make you believe that there really are such things as having right or wrong answers.

Let me ask you this. Is it possible to regret things that you have no control over, yet they somehow still affect you?”

 

I can’t really remember what I was writing about, but I can still find myself in these kinds of situation till this day. I guess I still haven’t found an appropriate answer to deal with these situations. I know that sometimes, things don’t need to have a right or wrong. It’s just that I would like to know if what I’m doing, what I’ve decided, that I am moving in the right direction, that I’m walking down the right path so that I can stop falling over. Cause after falling over so many times, it’s beginning to hurt… you know what I mean?

P.S. And it’s not that I haven’t learnt my lessons when I make a mistake okay. There just seems to be new problems that arises when you have solved the previous ones.

Virgo Advice

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Virgo Horoscope advice Feb, 5th 2014

Feeling the effects of today’s energies, Virgo? Take heart if this is the case, because the end of the tunnel isn’t as far away as it seems. Do your best to take things one step at a time and see about making some plans for a little fun this evening. Get together with friends or take in a movie. Help yourself feel better by staying busy and focused and follow up with some recreation. Before you know it, the aspect will pass and you’ll be back to normal.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————-

This is the problem with me… I must have read this horoscope on the day and thought it was so compelling, so truthful, so insightful… and so I go ahead and saved it in my drafts…

Weeks later… months later even… it’s not until I’m sitting up awake at 5 am in the morning not able to fall back asleep and I turn back to find this piece above still sitting in my draft box and completely clueless as to why I had thought this was so compelling, so truthful, so insightful… that I had to paste it down and write something about it. And what had probably happened was I had gotten a call from a friends and forgotten about it afterwards. Or maybe I had it sitting on my screen for 2 hours wondering what to type or to make creative or interesting… Or maybe… I felt so emotionally fatigued at the time that I knew I wanted to address it but I didn’t have any energy to do it properly at the time, so hence I saved it and left. Yeah… that was probably it.

I mean I can slowly work it out.
I take out my calendar and I start working from the date shown. Feb the 5th. That was during Chinese New Years. CNY is always a festive and celebratory season. I was obviously at home during that break. I guess that I was feeling really down. So down that I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. It probably wasn’t a tunnel I’m imagining. It was probably more like a hole, a deep well… possible a deep dark whirlpool that sucked all life and happiness down into its nightmarish darkness, never to have any light to escape from its grasp. Yeah… that’s probably it. A deep, dark, heavy pool… and to see this at the time must have given me hope. New hope to continue to move on, and to know that light and brighter days are ahead of me still.

Sitting here, I think back… It feels like it’s been such a long time since then. But really… it was only months ago. Okay… 4 months is awhile… but yeah… one hell of a roller-coaster ride these last few months. Definitely there were some highs amongst the many lows. Some of those memories, I will never forget forever… some I will cherish, others I will learn from. Another lesson in growing up I guess…

One thing I’m still trying to grasp in life is why some people do or say things that are totally against who they are and against their beliefs. I understand it a bit more now… but it still puzzles me nonetheless.

I really should try a new tone in my writing… preferably to sound excited or positive. Maybe something I will work on in the future. I always plan and say that I would write more yet I have these big awkward gaps in between.

I am sorry about that.

Objectivity & Subjectivity

Back in school and Uni, I liked looking at matters from different points of view. Whilst my logical mind was able to keep matters impartial and objective, I also enjoyed looking on the same matters from more intuitive aspects… or the so called “intangibles” of the matter. At the time, things like the meanings behind what appears obvious were always intriguing to me. Metaphors, imagery, analogies and symbols… they were far more fascinating than their rational counterparts. Because to me, they were fun! They didn’t have to be real… they only had to offer an alternative which could be plausible… and it just made everything a lot more interesting.

Fast forward half a decade later, I kinda have forgotten all of that.
It’s not so much as maturing as life progressed. But all of life’s realities gets thrown at you whether you like it or not. Matters like work, money, family, friends… (I think you get the idea…). They really drain you… and it’s hard to not let it get to you. These things are all really important in my life, but I don’t know anymore.
I feel like it’s made me mechanistic and straight-forward. I can see them objectively for what they are, and that is all there is to it. But now that I think about it… where did the passion go? I just no longer care anymore I think. I still want to believe and live in dreams. I struggle to hold on to those ideals… yet, they seem fleeting before my very eyes. I struggle to grasp the wisps of air… desperately, frantically… but if I really am honest with myself, I am just really tired.

I know that staying positive is probably the only ideal way to move forward and to keep moving forward. But I think to myself, by doing this, I will have blind-folded myself and allowed it to lead me by blind faith alone. And I question that reality. Because to me, that is just not real. I do not believe in it and I certainly would not put myself into that situation by choice. It’s kinda like the matrix analogy now that I think about it. Do I take the red pill or do I take the blue one? My practical mind would want me [NO] …force me choose to know the truth or else I will forever regret it. Yet knowing what I know now, the blue pill is temping and I can totally see why someone would choose it over taking the red. A world where things just made sense and was easy, it’s still living life isn’t it?
So why question society? Why fight the machine? They’ve been tested generation through generation, so why disprove it? (Just like any reason why we do anything  really… ALL in the name of science and liberty… am I right? “Hah…”)
But no… every fiber within my body would choose to fight through this in reality… I only wish that it wasn’t so damn hard! Till this point, I don’t regret the choices I have made. And if given the chance to do it again, I would probably do the same thing… but I do wish for some things to be different…
And now here I am again… I find myself dreaming and wishing…

Extrinsic Motivators do not work for the creative…

I was just listening to a TED talk that had been extremely fascinating. I didn’t catch the start of it, so I didn’t find out who the speaker was, but the topic was about how extrinsic motivators are not great ways to encourage creative productivity. As a more simpler and diluted version, I will narrate some of the things that were said. He described several examples whereby different experimental groups were given greater incentives for producing fastest and the best results. What was really interesting was that the group that were offered the greatest extrinsic incentives actually had the worst times and results, in comparison to the groups that were offered little or no extrinsic incentive.

Apparently, creativity cannot be produced effectively by offering greater extrinsic offerings. To truly drive the more complex and complicated creative aspects of the brain, he states that scientists believes that the participants require ‘Autonomy, Mastery, and Purpose’ intrinsic values to move towards the more effective direction. He had mentioned that there were some companies around the world that implemented strategies that allowed for greater autonomy, mastery, and purpose. He said there were some companies, such as Google that allowed their employees 20% of the time to do whatever work they wanted. There was another company that allowed their employees to not have to follow a schedule. They had no obligation to attend any meetings, nor be in the office, or at work… as long as they got the job done. Allowing the people to choose when they did things allowed the freedom of their own planning, and apparently productivity went up.

Anyways, I found the talk really interesting. Whilst I may not agree with everything the guy had said, he did prove a pretty valid case. Thanks for listening…

New year, new ideas

Since that last time I had written here, I had meaning to come back and write in here again. Sorry for the absence, but busyness and laziness usually gets the better of me. They’re like the two crazy friends that everyone has; always damn annoying to have around and really hard to stay away from them.

Hmm… let me think. During all this time, I could say it’s been a hell of a roller coaster ride. There have been some highs, and there has been some lows. But overall, there’s a lot more lows than there was highs. But because of the lowest of the lows, they really do make the little highs all that much better.

I don’t really know where I would like to begin… so I am just going to start wherever this is heading.

Over the past year, I really have learned a lot, grown a lot, and appreciate that the life I once knew was almost like a wonderland compared to the common life that people living here experiences. The working life here really is hard.

So what does hard mean? From what I had experienced, I would describe it as, long work hours, low pay, minimal benefits… I was actually going to ramble on a whole list that would fill at least another two or three paragraph. But what is the point of that? You’re not here to listen to my complaints and grudges. You’re here because (well for most people) you are interested in learning about how I am doing. And to answer that question, I would say I am fine… still living, still breathing, and still getting my ass kicked by all the other crap that’s happening to me.

Each time I felt that I have grown, I generally always get kicked back down again by life. Something will usually happen that would just prove me wrong again in my beliefs, whether it is good or bad. Examples such as… even though you can be best of friends, some friends you still cannot be too close or too easy going… as somehow things will just come back to slap you in your face. And then there are other times when you feel that every turn you make, the world is there just to make your life miserable and ugly, just that lil tiny ounce of hope or happiness will shun all that bitterness away.

Because of these experiences, sometimes it leaves me even more unsure of all of the things I had learned earlier. I don’t know sometimes. Now that I’ve experienced the lifestyle that the people here live, I can slowly feel and understand why people feel trapped and must live out a life they have no control over.

Another thing I’ve learned to experience is (in Chinese terms) to carry the black pot. What this means is that a situation may arise whereby you find yourself in a predicament and you basically just have to take the blame regardless of whether you are at fault. Because if you say one way, you are at fault; and if you said the other, then you are also in the wrong. There may be a third or fourth option, but either way, you are still at fault. And that only lonely road that you must walk down, is to carry that big ‘ol black pot and take the blame for whatever that may be.

Seriously, this feeling sucks and I can sincerely sympathize with you should you also find yourself in this kind of predicament. But to everyone out there, I do hope you don’t have to face this.

It’s not just me, but there have also been other friends and colleagues who have had to walk down this path. Seems like it is something that can happen to anyone… (EVEN if you’re as cherry and charismatic as the person who’s made of a million bucks.) It really can happen to ANYONE! Sometimes it’s just that ‘wrong place, wrong time’ kind of thing.

So since it’s still considered the new year, I have decided that I need a good detox of all the negative energy that has consumed me. One of the things I need to do is to straighten out my health, become more energetic, and to aim for positivity. Secondly, is to plan some of the things I would like to accomplish short term in order to swat out some of the negativity. And lastly, plan some long term plans to give more orientation to my life.

Often, I sometimes get ideas that I would really like to write out and share with everyone that follows my blog. I hope I can keep at this as much as possible.

Sorry that the ramblings this time round, don’t have any concise topic or structure, but that’s how my life is at the moment… utter mess!

If the time is acceptable, maybe I should take a trip somewhere…

Nearing the end of 2013 and my reflection of this year…

Hey guys.

I know I feel like every time I come here, I always say the same thing. But it really is the case. I’m sorry to you…, my readers, and to me, myself… for not staying up-to-date and be consistent in writing about things that are in my life, here in this blog. In all honestly, I really wish I can keep it, stay up to date with it, and to keep it creative and entertaining with everything that is suppose… or should I say, that deserves to be in there.

 

The real excuse is this. It’s not because I’m having the time of my life… (well upon reflection, it definitely is exciting, but not in the seat of your pants kind of way) and that I don’t have the time to sit down properly to type. Every work day… all I can say is it’s starting to feel like groundhog’s day. Except that I am dealing with something different everyday. But overall, it’s the same. Work, eat, TV, sleep. This goes on every day mostly. I do go out for runs at the exercise stadium once/twice a week. But those things… I would not call variations to my week. I can really feel my life and creativity being slowly drained out of me. And in a way, I’ve became a hollow shell. Last thing I want to do at the end of a busy day is to just sit in front of the computer and blog… pretending that I am happier than I actually am.

 

I dislike this. This is not me, nor is it where I want to be. Where did I go wrong? Well I can’t say that I went wrong somewhere. The proper question would be how did I get myself into this kind of situation? So far, I have learned so much I do not regret it at all. For example, only just in a little under a year I have taught myself Chinese. From absolutely 0 to what you see below. It was forced out by my immediate environment which challenged me to adapt and change. 就像這樣。我以前沒辦法這樣打字,也看不懂。但現在都可以了! 我覺得自己很厲害… 哈哈哈 從完全不懂道可以溝通了。真的很戰!

This year, I have put myself out to my very limit. I am both grateful and yet feel highly intolerable of this year. I know this seems quite contradicting but that’s how it feels to me. I do know how everything that had panned out had been the direct cause of my own actions, yet it sux being on this end of the stick. Maybe it’s a bout time for a change of environment, a change of life pattern. Every time when I find myself in these kinds of situation, I always end up leaving to another place. It may seem like I’m running away, looking for another way out. But it’s not like that. It is more like not being able to find a place where I can truly feel that I fit in. And in this sense, I feel pity for myself and sorrow because I do try so hard. But maybe this just isn’t hard enough. I dunno.

 

It had also been a long time since I have realistically reflected on myself. I used to do it often or every so often. It was something I did to keep my own self living in the moment. But I can honestly say, it’s been a good 10 months since I’ve done anything like that. And I’m turning to it now because I feel like I’ve really hit the dumps this time round. I wish and hope for a better future (same as the millions of people in this country I suppose), but I know I can do much better.

I think for now, I will cut it off here otherwise I will begin writing about something dark and horrible, and none of you deserve to read that rain cloud type of blog. I want to write about things that are worthwhile to be read. I need to find that something.

 

Tomorrow is another day…