Thoughts for James 8/31

Dear James,

I’m really tired and drained. You know that I have tried my best. And even though that it’s all I can ask of myself, it still is not enough. I’ve been through many difficulties in the past. No matter the result, I have always came out stronger. I used to think that this is a good thing. Being stronger means that I can deal with more things better. But I don’t believe getting stronger is getting me anywhere anymore. It’s kinda like gathering materials needed to build a super-yacht or something. Bigger, better, and more rigged to ride the rough waves. The thing is… maybe all I want is to drift upstream a river.

Do I really need such a big boat?

New Hobbies

I really need to find some new hobbies. Any of the usual things I do lately, I get bored really easily. Things that did entertain me for a while, take my iPad for example, feels so empty. I pick it up… look at it… click on an app button, takes 10s to load, and the next thing I know I’m closing the flap and putting it down.

Need to find something else to fill that emptiness…

First update in 2015

Hey Guys,

Looks like it’s the first post here for 2015. I haven’t really had much time to … “daydream”? If that’s what you would call it. Gotta get my inspiration from somewhere right? The reason behind the absence however, is that I’ve just been so busy with work. Every day it feels like work, then bed, work, then bed. And almost nothing in between apart from eating.

Groundhogs day!

But it’s not like before as I do like my job and enjoy what I do. That difference between liking what you do and not liking it but having to still put in the long hours is just immensely different. But still, if one can help it, it would be better if they do not need to spend so long on their work.

I wanted to do a new year’s resolution thing earlier this year. But I’ve been really busy with work since October last year. It hasn’t really cooled down till about now. Just a bit surprised I guess. It doesn’t matter where you go, there will always be complicated and annoying issues that we have to deal with. Guess that’s what I signed up for when I accepted this job anyways.

Being in a totally different industry allows me to experience things I never actually thought of before and it gives me a chance to learn an abundance of new things… which I might at is quite interesting, just that I never really had any real interest in it before.

Anyways, that’s just a brief update about how things are for me… I really would like to write about other things or thoughts. So for now, I will leave it here.

Still alive guys!

To S & T

Last night, Selph messaged me and told me that T popped the question to her and they were gonna get engaged. Two of my best friends finally tying the knot after 10 years since I’ve known them. We all knew that this was bound to happen, but they’ve been together for so long, that none of us were really expecting it.

When she told me, I was so happy. This was one of the most amazing news I’ve heard in a while. Yet as it slowly sunk in, it kinda made me sad. How many of my close friends have I missed. So many of them have gotten married or are about to get engaged, and I’ve missed every single one. Yes, I’ve attended some of them, but only if the reception was somewhere in the local area. It pains me personally not actually being there and supporting them in such momentous parts of their life.

I’ve been to a few weddings over these few years. But none of which really meant all that much to me. There were a few that were relatives, one of them being a cousin of mine. There were work colleagues wedding, and there were also friends of friend’s that I had attended. So many of these events which would have actually meant something to me, I have actually missed. Talk about priorities right? I’m such a failure in that respect. The only one that I made and did something about was the one for Mike and Janet, and even then that was cause they hosted an additional reception here where I was. I know that things have been difficult for me and being far away from everybody else, especially over the past half a decade, but I know I could’ve done more. Sometimes, even though your heart could be in the right place, it really doesn’t matter if you made no effort to begin with.

I know it’s a personal decision to choose not to use FB, because society has now grown around it and has somewhat become dependent of it, I’ve basically excluded myself from all my friends who do use it. Dunno, it just sux how things have come to be…

Catch 22

Earlier today, my colleague was discussing an issue with me. Our team currently are in a bit of a catch 22. If we push for one of the issues, it will make our work easier to follow but will make every other team we work with very difficult and a hassle for them. Yet on the other hand, if we stay silent and carry on as it is, we face a lot of missing data and communication as well as inconsistency within our records.

Whichever result we reach, we will still get the short end of the straw. Tough break.

She then replied me, all we can do is carry on and see how much we can do and cover. In response to her, I said ‘Every candle only has a certain length of wick.’

She was pretty intrigued by this statement. ‘Very deep’, she said. ‘I would like to remember this. But regarding our current situation, fizzling out isn’t the best option for us.’

I nod in agreement. ‘Well…’ I replied, ‘you could be a dynamite instead of a candle instead’.

She laughed.

Muesli the Monkey

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflecting. It’s been awhile since I’ve done so. I’ve just been really busy with work, the new environment, and new people (kinda) and it was … well I wouldn’t say it was difficult, but I guess I never made any time for nothing. Any spare time I did have, I spent it watching TV or just messing about on the computer.

Since things have become more routine, I find that I have gained back some of that time. The time I’d be usually trying to figure out things and how to do the next step. So I guess instead of looking forward, I’ve been thinking back a lot lately you could say. This time round, I’ve been thinking of all the things I’ve done right in life, and the things that I haven’t done so well. It’s really hard to get a precise gage on the matters as there are no real benchmarks I could really compare it to.
People do say.…your life is your own and that you shouldn’t really be comparing to any other person. Which is true… But I do want to know if the direction I’m heading is actually something that I want. I think there’s nothing quite frightening as heading down a path and knowing that there is no way back…

Right now, I’m just staring at my monkey doll.. And it’s just staring right back at me. He’s looking at me going… hey… you have it pretty sweet. What are you worried about?
I’m giving it the, don’t give me that crap look and I tell him to walk in my shoes.

He gives me that sly smile of his and replies, I understand, but you need not worry about the rest… just hang in there and keep trying.

Damn Monkey! You and your trivial replies!


Transformers 3

After all these years, I have worked really hard towards hoping that I head towards the right direction. A place where I think I would’ve made a difference, a place where I thought I would be happy. I’ve made some sacrifices, but I’ve also gained a lot in return. It’s been slowly getting better so far… but I just can’t deny this feeling I have within me.

Am I happy? I would reply, Yes. But if you were to ask me if I was content, the answer would be No. In many ways now, I know I should feel content and yet, deep down in my guts I just can’t shake it.
This personality trait of mine has been good and bad. Good in the way that it has constantly pushed me to strive for more and strive for better. Even in the face of giving up, it’s helped me to push on. But the bad way? It’s like a weak acid covering everything that is me. It’s slowly eating away my happiness, it’s slowly eating away empathy, and it’s slowly eating away my patience.

I had the TV playing in the background and Transformers 3 was on. I wasn’t really paying any attention as I was on my iPad. Later in the night, there was this song that had been replaying in the back of my mind, and it took me awhile to realize that it was from T3 the Movie which had been on earlier. It was like the song was speaking to me…


LINKIN PARK – Iridescent

When you were standing in the wake of devastation

When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown

And with the cataclysm raining down

Insides crying, “Save me now!”

You were there, impossibly alone


Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go


And in a burst of light that blinded every angel

As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars

You felt the gravity of tempered grace

Falling into empty space

No one there to catch you in their arms


Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go


Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go


Let it go

Let it go

Let it go

Let it go


Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go.


 And yet, I’m still having difficulties letting it go…