Posts Tagged ‘ Life ’

Sailing High Winds

I had originally planned to write it in the positive emotions blog that me and Josi share, but I guess that these thoughts don’t share the same limelight as positive thoughts.

I’m at a stage in my life where the only thing that I find easy and effortless is my job and everything else either seems hard or it doesn’t make sense.

The thing that is really bugging me is that I don’t understand why things are so hard. Not hard in terms of difficulty. Hard in the sense that it’s a struggle, and that I have to put serious effort and concentration into achieving it. I take a look at my peers and colleagues. Some of them merely wish it or just cruise through their life, and they will attain it sometime in the recent future one way or another.
I, on the other hand, would need to analyze it, plan it, evaluate it, take action, reassess, setup, and explore. And even after all that, it may still not turn out how I want it. Life relies too much on variable chances. To someone who manages projects, I can see that there is obviously something wrong here. Maybe I am doing it wrong, or maybe I am over-thinking or over-doing things. But the fact remains, if I don’t do anything, then nothing will actually happen.

One thing I do understand is that happiness is a frame of mind. It is merely a matter of which perspective I choose to take. But sometimes the realist in me can’t deny that I am only fooling myself. Whether I choose to believe it is still up to me. There is one quote that I remember but have forgot where I had heard it from. It goes “When it’s right, it’s always easy”. Does that mean that other than my work, everything else isn’t right for me? Maybe so.

I feel that my age also affects how I am feeling. Back when I was younger, it felt like there was still so much of the world to explore. The destinations, its complexity, the people. Nowadays, I see myself more like an old man that’s living down the street, yelling at every street kid and alley cat that’s looking at me the wrong way. Not sure why that is, but that’s how I am now. I also feel that the only time I can steady my mind is when I’m either running or cycling. I do enjoy the exercise, but it shouldn’t be that those are not my only options for having a clear head.

I hope that when I come back from my trip next month, I will be able to catch more wind behind my sails so that things can be smooth sailing…

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Thoughts for James 8/31

Dear James,

I’m really tired and drained. You know that I have tried my best. And even though that it’s all I can ask of myself, it still is not enough. I’ve been through many difficulties in the past. No matter the result, I have always came out stronger. I used to think that this is a good thing. Being stronger means that I can deal with more things better. But I don’t believe getting stronger is getting me anywhere anymore. It’s kinda like gathering materials needed to build a super-yacht or something. Bigger, better, and more rigged to ride the rough waves. The thing is… maybe all I want is to drift upstream a river.

Do I really need such a big boat?

Muesli the Monkey

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflecting. It’s been awhile since I’ve done so. I’ve just been really busy with work, the new environment, and new people (kinda) and it was … well I wouldn’t say it was difficult, but I guess I never made any time for nothing. Any spare time I did have, I spent it watching TV or just messing about on the computer.

Since things have become more routine, I find that I have gained back some of that time. The time I’d be usually trying to figure out things and how to do the next step. So I guess instead of looking forward, I’ve been thinking back a lot lately you could say. This time round, I’ve been thinking of all the things I’ve done right in life, and the things that I haven’t done so well. It’s really hard to get a precise gage on the matters as there are no real benchmarks I could really compare it to.
People do say.…your life is your own and that you shouldn’t really be comparing to any other person. Which is true… But I do want to know if the direction I’m heading is actually something that I want. I think there’s nothing quite frightening as heading down a path and knowing that there is no way back…

Right now, I’m just staring at my monkey doll.. And it’s just staring right back at me. He’s looking at me going… hey… you have it pretty sweet. What are you worried about?
I’m giving it the, don’t give me that crap look and I tell him to walk in my shoes.

He gives me that sly smile of his and replies, I understand, but you need not worry about the rest… just hang in there and keep trying.

Damn Monkey! You and your trivial replies!

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Guardian Angels

Having the faith and the peace of mind that this special someone or something is there and is looking out for you is great. As all of us know, in life we encounter the many ups and the many downs that are thrown at us. Who wouldn’t want to have a divine protector who understands us and keep us away from harms way? When we believe that we have a miraculous Guardian Angel entity who catches us or steers us away from harm, and who celebrates or supports us in times of joy, it gives us the strength to move forward and the courage to overcome difficulties. Because we understand that we are not alone, it lets us know that all will be okay…

Yet what happens when your special guardian does not agree on your views, your needs, or your wants? They care for you, they want you to do what is right, they do not want you to get hurt in any way possible… even if it’s against your beliefs or desires? What then? Are they still considered your guardian angels? Is every kind of protection from pain the best way to mill through life? When the life you lead somehow becomes dictated, and you are not ‘allowed’ to make your own life’s choices — even if they aren’t the best choices…? What then… ?

What is the line that separates them from being true angels or just another big brother? For what reasons or circumstances would they be considered a blessing or a curse? Whether it’s for protection or for further engaging with life and its choices, both are still considered forms of love… So who is to say which type of love should trump the other…?

…or in the end, we are all a bit frazzled and confused just like Rapunzel.

But then again… she wouldn’t have gotten to known Flynn Rider!!!!

New year, new ideas

Since that last time I had written here, I had meaning to come back and write in here again. Sorry for the absence, but busyness and laziness usually gets the better of me. They’re like the two crazy friends that everyone has; always damn annoying to have around and really hard to stay away from them.

Hmm… let me think. During all this time, I could say it’s been a hell of a roller coaster ride. There have been some highs, and there has been some lows. But overall, there’s a lot more lows than there was highs. But because of the lowest of the lows, they really do make the little highs all that much better.

I don’t really know where I would like to begin… so I am just going to start wherever this is heading.

Over the past year, I really have learned a lot, grown a lot, and appreciate that the life I once knew was almost like a wonderland compared to the common life that people living here experiences. The working life here really is hard.

So what does hard mean? From what I had experienced, I would describe it as, long work hours, low pay, minimal benefits… I was actually going to ramble on a whole list that would fill at least another two or three paragraph. But what is the point of that? You’re not here to listen to my complaints and grudges. You’re here because (well for most people) you are interested in learning about how I am doing. And to answer that question, I would say I am fine… still living, still breathing, and still getting my ass kicked by all the other crap that’s happening to me.

Each time I felt that I have grown, I generally always get kicked back down again by life. Something will usually happen that would just prove me wrong again in my beliefs, whether it is good or bad. Examples such as… even though you can be best of friends, some friends you still cannot be too close or too easy going… as somehow things will just come back to slap you in your face. And then there are other times when you feel that every turn you make, the world is there just to make your life miserable and ugly, just that lil tiny ounce of hope or happiness will shun all that bitterness away.

Because of these experiences, sometimes it leaves me even more unsure of all of the things I had learned earlier. I don’t know sometimes. Now that I’ve experienced the lifestyle that the people here live, I can slowly feel and understand why people feel trapped and must live out a life they have no control over.

Another thing I’ve learned to experience is (in Chinese terms) to carry the black pot. What this means is that a situation may arise whereby you find yourself in a predicament and you basically just have to take the blame regardless of whether you are at fault. Because if you say one way, you are at fault; and if you said the other, then you are also in the wrong. There may be a third or fourth option, but either way, you are still at fault. And that only lonely road that you must walk down, is to carry that big ‘ol black pot and take the blame for whatever that may be.

Seriously, this feeling sucks and I can sincerely sympathize with you should you also find yourself in this kind of predicament. But to everyone out there, I do hope you don’t have to face this.

It’s not just me, but there have also been other friends and colleagues who have had to walk down this path. Seems like it is something that can happen to anyone… (EVEN if you’re as cherry and charismatic as the person who’s made of a million bucks.) It really can happen to ANYONE! Sometimes it’s just that ‘wrong place, wrong time’ kind of thing.

So since it’s still considered the new year, I have decided that I need a good detox of all the negative energy that has consumed me. One of the things I need to do is to straighten out my health, become more energetic, and to aim for positivity. Secondly, is to plan some of the things I would like to accomplish short term in order to swat out some of the negativity. And lastly, plan some long term plans to give more orientation to my life.

Often, I sometimes get ideas that I would really like to write out and share with everyone that follows my blog. I hope I can keep at this as much as possible.

Sorry that the ramblings this time round, don’t have any concise topic or structure, but that’s how my life is at the moment… utter mess!

If the time is acceptable, maybe I should take a trip somewhere…

Zombie’ing

It’s been so long since I have written in here. I know I have been meaning to stay up to date… or even update how I have been. Actually… I said I was going to write consistently, but all I can say is I’m sorry. The reality is that I’ve just been busy. Busy with work, busy with other activities… that kind of stuff. And when I get free time or anytime after work, I’m usually too tired to sit in front of a computer and type up an entry… let alone anything creative.

 

I spend most of my nights in front of the movie channels on t.v. and zombie’ing it out on the chair… or even just putting music in the background. It’s not so much as I get so drained from work or other activities which would make me seem like a blob. It’s that feeling of not having to do anything, not needing to be productive, the aspect of not requiring to focus on anything which causes me to just zombify it. Reflecting back… (Wow… the sudden realization that I haven’t had a decent reflection since I’ve last been writing up entries… which probably goes to show I should write more) I feel that a lot of time has really been wasted zombying. But then again, even if I forced myself doing other things, I wouldn’t get any enjoyment out of them anyways.

 

That’s kinda how it is right now. That search to find some ounce of enjoyment, that happiness… it’s not been the same as compared to back when I was serving my military service. I wouldn’t say that things haven’t been interesting or exciting. I have been kept pretty busy I must say… but for many, it’s not been how I have hoped or wanted… Things can ALWAYS be better. Even though I am the commander of my life and soul, there is a limit to how much and what I can do right now.

 

Maybe I’m have been thinking too much. But back when things were much simpler, life was actually good. The worries were simple; actually there wasn’t much worries tbh. And life was uncomplicated and undemanding. Even though I wouldn’t call what I’m experiencing stress from work… it’s not that at all… I just feel this sudden numbness to how the culture is here in TW. Things used to be really exciting and fun. Not that they can’t be now… there are still many great things out there. But I feel like I’m bound now. That’s the only way I can explain it. This is probably how most of the local people here feel and experience. I can slowly see why and how they turn out the way they are or why they make the decisions they make. In those sense, I guess that I am lucky… having had the chance to experience an alternative. You can really feel caged living in a place like this… even with all this freedom, with all this convenience. It sux that this is so…

Even though I want to do something about it, to change the way it is now, I also know that now is not the right time. So again… back to the old game I use to play… the patience game. That’s how it’s ever been.

 

Some cycles really need to stop though… it’s heartbreaking…

If you had the cheat codes to life?

Okay, I’m going to pose a pretty random question.
What if you were given the cheat codes to life, would you use it?

I mean seriously, this thing doesn’t exactly exist. But I remember playing this game like 5 years ago. Okay, I think it was 10 years ago, but anyway… I thought that it was like the coolest and the most fun game in the world. A friend of mine so happened to have these mods which trick the game into thinking there were these special items and spells… and it made the player insanely powerful. Afterwards, I cleared through the entire game with ease.

It recently made me wonder. because of the mod, I eventually found the game boring and pointless. And it made the game completely luck based instead of skill based with some element of luck. So if this was mirrored into a real life scenario, would it make life boring? Would it make people try less? Would you simply just enjoy your life with ease and watch others struggle? Or would you still work hard to make the most of it, even with the cheats?

I have heard of people, who after winning first division prizes in lotto give up everything that was their previous life, and practically live off the newly won prize. But at the end of the day, does it actually satisfy them? I don’t know. Maybe it would for some people, and it wont for others. That would be my conclusion.