Posts Tagged ‘ Reflections ’

Lifting that smile…

Too long have I worn that lazy excuse on my face.
The smile facing outwards towards the onlooking world. That mask that hides any of my inner emotions, the shield that guards against any unwarranted attention. It seems like a lonely way to live, but really it is my only defense against any broken hearts towards people I loved. It’s my only approach against misplacing my utmost trust towards familial friends. Too many times have I been left out in the cold, too many times I’ve been wondering why…

Ever since my high school years, I’ve lived away from home. Because of that, I’ve mostly spent my time with friends and have treated them like family. Actually, thinking back now, more so than my immediate family at the time. I gave them my time, my attention, and sometimes even my own money. You probably know where this story goes, and so like those stories, I was just as gullible. Only being able to learn about the world through one heartbreak or one mistrust at a time. It’s happened so many times, that the reaction has just became a natural habit. So over the years, without letting anybody in, it was difficult trying to make close friends. Simply put, I was just tired. Tired of living this kind of life. Tired of guarding my emotions having tried to piece back the broken pieces like the shattered eggshells sitting in the kitchen bin or that 2000 piece mosaic puzzle that’s still sitting on my table unfinished.

But more recently I had realized something. As they say, to make a cake you’ve gotta break some eggs. It takes trust to get trust in return and if you don’t risk getting hurt, then you wont get the opportunity to meet the very same people that think and feel the same way you would too. And through uncanny circumstance, that is how I gotten closer with YT and Oli as of late. It’s a nice feeling being able to feel that fuzziness of close friends after so long. I am thankful for myself of taking that chance again.

Keep Dreaming

I’m not quite sure why, but today has just been one of those days where I feel like I’m riding that roller-coaster called life. It had been good mostly, yet I still can’t shake the negative thoughts that are in the back of my mind. It’s been times like this where I really want change. Changes that are positive. Changes that would allow me to move on and to make sense of the world just that little more. And with lightning and thunder blasting away in the middle of the night right now, I wonder whether if the rain will wash away some of my misery … and will lead me to paths that I can make something of and to build on…

I came across this website which I would like to share. I will translate it below…

  1. Optimism is an attitude.
  2. If you don’t go out, you will only know of the world which you currently see.
  3. You don’t have to say everything that you know; and don’t trust everything that you see.
  4. Don’t take in too much of what others perceive of you, walk the path that is yours and let the onlookers say whatever it is they want to say.
  5. Shape ones self and through the pain of the process, you will eventually reap the benefits of your changes.
  6. Marriage is not about not fighting with each other, but it’s about fighting with each other and still being able to be together forever.
  7. Growing and maturing is most often the most painful of times.
  8. Superficial flaunting may not necessary be a good thing. However, setting aside one’s appearance is the real essence of life.
  9. Sometimes trusting someone means you will get shot.
  10. Do not despair. Life is like an ECG (electrocardiogram). If you’re living life too smoothly, it probably means that you’re already dead.
  11. Sometimes, when something you thought was funny happens to you, it no longer becomes a laughing matter.
  12. Sometimes, do not be fooled by appearances.
  13. What’s really scary are not real bad people, but fake good people.
  14. Has the love of life come upon you yet?
  15. Be sure to constantly tell yourself, never to give up!
  16. As a matter of fact, it’s not because that you are alone, it’s just that you chose a different path from everyone else.

Even though we know all this… sometimes it’s nice to be reminded again when you’re feeling down…

Pre-discharge mood…

Before this date actually happens, I would like to share some of my thoughts and feelings here…

For a ceremonious date which I had been looking forward to all year, I am currently not feeling all too happy about it. To me, this makes no logical sense but yet I understand why. I had been all to eager to finally be rid of this place. I mean c’mon… A whole year! I have been waiting for that very day. But in that time… things have changed.

I’ve made many new friends, I’ve made an undesirable place feel comfortable, I’ve struggled through many challenges one after another and my accomplishments further signifies my efforts. I believe change is good. It is always good to see things changing for the better. But because of all that has happened, I have some real mix feelings about it all.

For some newly made friends, I wish it would last longer. I know they will not just ‘disappear’ … but it wont ever be the same as it was. I’ve experienced similar situations in the past. In our attempt to overcome these challenges, we had have some good times, hefty laughs, and great food.

Time that’s been has felt both fast and slow, now that I think back. Guess I did make my time worthwhile. Am proud of myself for that. I’ve learnt so much here and I really appreciate all that has helped me along the way. I wont forget… even the small things.

As I stare blankly out into nothingness… daydreaming… my junior begins to remind me… ‘stop sighing!!!’

Can’t help it dude… natural reaction…

The fun in volunteering work…

What at first, had been a chance to give back to the community since our time here as alternative serviceman is routine, I was deeply surprised by the entire event. Our original intentions for the event were that we had hoped we could make the most of our time here. We wanted to make our time here in Nantou valuable and memorable, and I felt that this was a great opportunity to do exactly that.

This was a chance to give back to a greater social community. I thought about how I had received various types of opportunity when I was younger, yet I had never really given it much thought as to how they had came to be. Why would people, strangers even, willingly give their time and patience without ever wanting anything in return? What they had offered is far greater than many things that money can buy. Learning about the culture, the passing-on of knowledge, and new experiences… all of which are difficult to obtain. The foreign element makes the experience exceptionally unique for the kids.

The both of us set about our tasks. Jay organizing the entire summer rugby camp, whereas I planned the routines and the practice contents. As a team, it had been exciting to see our work come together to become a stimulating summer camp event for the kids. The kids who attended were from neighboring primary schools, 光復國小 (Guanfu Primary) and 虎山國小 (Hushan Primary) in this community. They were from unprivileged and lower socio-economic environments, which makes the camp all the more valuable for these kids. The opening ceremony was remarkable. Thanks to the servicemen from Executive Yuan, the exhibition left the crowd dazzled. The well orchestrated show, lead by the hosts and director captivated the crowded who lead high skilled performance one after another. There were professional singers, a stage magician performer, and a couple of skilled stage performers specializing in acrobatics, clown theatrics and juggling. They were great openers for our holiday camp. The kids were quite pumped after the event. They even sang along with some of the popular song covers that the singers were singing.

During the week, as the kids knew more and more about the game of touch rugby, they began to get excited for the game. We had warm up exercises with music, played mini-games to familiarize with others, and had training practices to harness their ball handling skills throughout the week. Our aim was to get the kids involved and excited in the game as much as possible. It did take awhile for them to grasp the concept of the game. Nonetheless, seeing the laughter, the smiles, the struggles as well as the frustrations at not scoring a point in the game was proof enough that we succeeded in offering a memorable experience for them to take away.

On the last day, we set out for Taichung’s ScienceMuseum for a field-trip to finish. It was a great feat and accomplishment! Most relics in the museum weren’t exactly tasteful for the kids and they had gotten quite bored with it very quickly. After giving them the chance for freedom and independence (with our supervision of course) to various exhibitions, they scattered away throughout the museum like a jar of marbles falling to the ground. And as a treat for lunch, we ate McDonalds for lunch together. The longer I spent time with them; I better got to know them. Teaching them, laughing with them, and playing with them, they grew on me over the time. This made the end of the day, all the more sadder.

From this experience, I felt I had learned a lot more than I had intended and that this shall be a memory I will forever cherish. I would like to thank my partner Jay, the schools, and the kids for having the chance to do something different.

Coming back suddenly from the past…

Funny how life sometimes turn out. I never really plan any of my days nowadays. I’ve been happy to get out the hustle and the crap that had lingered in my past, but recently… out of nowhere, some have come back to haunt me. It’s not like I’d done anything bad or something I regret in the past. But more so, my attempt to start a new life… one where I have different sets of challenges… not ones where I felt like I had been smacking my head against a brick wall for the entertainment of others…

I don’t normally read horoscopes… but last weekend, my Grandma took me to the temple near home to give me blessings. I had also gotten some of my fortune told to me. I don’t strongly believe in them, but I do keep them in the back of my mind. And strangely, over the last week, there’s been some uncanny events which occurred… which lead to me taking a peek at my horoscope for today.
And this is what it said for my sign:

You’ll be lost in your thoughts today, analyzing your life and relationships. You’ll be asking yourself if your existence is meeting your standards. You will ponder what to expect from the future and from the people around you. You’re in the right frame of mind to make a few life-changing decisions.

The weird thing is that it couldn’t have been more correct. It’s not as serious as it appears. But I can’t say that it’s not true either. I pondered for some time about it today. Knowing fully that I became a better person from my new experiences overseas, I feel that many of my judgements and outlooks have been even more holistic. With that said, whilst many of my outlooks on things have changed dramatically and am able to identify my actions and thoughts in more of an open manner… I had found my original un-mature thoughts and the evasion of them begin to resurface as those past issues have arisen. In other words, I hadn’t grown up at all.
Actually, I have in a way. I am now able to recognise that these thoughts and actions are not the ‘best’. Yet still, I can’t help the way I would still react (almost as if it were an habitual reaction). The foremost feeling I have is “anger”. I have spent a long time trying to find peace within it. To not let it be an irrational outburst for me, and to be able to control it. I’ve heard that controlled anger can be a very powerful utility, and that it can allow you to strive for things you normally wouldn’t dare. But saying that to me is the equivalent to telling me that if you manage to gather all the feathers in the world, then you have the ability to fly. In my innocence, I have started to collect these so called feathers as I come across them in my journey through life. Yet the more I collect, I realise it probably is easier for me to just stack tables from here all the way to the moon. The more feathers I gather, the more I realise how miniscule my efforts to building my flying ability, if I even accomplish such a feat.

Yes, I wont deny. My current overall quest is that I am trying to find my own happiness. I did find a small pocket so far, But just like the weaves of tidal motion, my past thought processes disappear for a while… and then they come rolling back to shore. There was nothing wrong with the old life though. But I can’t deny the freshness of inhaling a breath of fresh open air.

‘Just go with the flow’, my mind echoes as if to respond my unanswered questions.

Where are all the Mr Rights???

Generally, this question is asked by many female counter-parts.
Whether they’ve been hurt, their hearts broken, their BFF’s mistreated, etc.  men are the pricks. There are no ifs, buts, or maybes. The fact that they can treat woman to the point where they are made to feel like their entire world had just been burnt to a crisp, then pissed in the ashes, and finally spat on top of the pile just to make finishing touches make men the most despicable creatures on Earth and in Hell. They are so crude and heartless, demons and flaming hound-dogs look like little fluffy bats and puppies with huge eyes and cute little smiles.

Woman ask themselves, ‘why am I such a fool’? ‘Why would I let some jackass into my life, play with my heart, and then kindly allow them to stamp on it until it’s stopped beating?’ Seriously, why can’t I find some good-looking guy who is chivalrous, friendly, and humourous like in the movies, or like my good friend Jill, or like my cousin May… etc. (you get the point) It is like, you hear these amazing stories of beautiful and romantic couples, you look around and they seem like they are everywhere… but why is it that you only meet douchebags or their close cousins, assholes.

I wouldn’t say I hear this often, but it still seem’s that this issue is prevalent in many cases. I’m not writing this post to offer woman an alternative perception on men. No. Of course not. I too see and hear it happen often. There are many guys out there who I absolutely consider do not qualify to hold relationships yet they’re the kinds of guys that are able to get the girls the easiest. I don’t understand the logic. (Being a logical person that I am.) The girls get into relationships with those kind of guys, and basically the audience sit back and watch the train wreck happen. Sometimes, close friends and family will throw popcorn and yell remarks at the screen… but sadly, we all can foresee the climax and finale. Rarely does the cool bad wolf go through a life-changing experience and then becomes the Prince Charming you may be waiting for. But these cases are RARE!!!

If I can help it, I wouldn’t want to see any of my close relatives or friends to go through those kinds of experience. So I too will shake my fists up towards the heavens and ask, ‘Where are all the Mr Rights? Where…?’
I don’t believe that it’s a matter of them not existing. I know they’re out there. I’ve met many cool, handsome guys before (who might I add were/are single) and yet, I don’t see woman hanging off of their arms and legs wherever they go. It is strange isn’t it. It’s like the girl goes out into the car markets and asks for Buick’s and Rolls Royce, then settling to buy some random car which had sparked their interest on the spot. I don’t know… sorry… I’m pretty crap at giving analogies as you can see… but my point is… why is it that they always pick the pricks, when you can smell them a mile away, then grieve afterwards. That’s a one way road to disaster.  

I am a firm believer of going to restaurants. What I mean by this is, if you want Mexican, go to a Mexican restaurant. If you want to eat Chinese food, then go to a Chinese restaurant. Okay, these are bad examples. I don’t mean to separate it by races as well. Hmm… put it this way… if you like to go swimming, then go to the swimming pools. If you like reading, then go to your local library. Sounds logical?

I know it’s not easy meeting the right person. Ultimately, it really depends on fate, luck, opportunity, locality. But basically, surround yourself with the kinds of people you like to be with. And also, you may need a lil nudge to get the boulder down the cliff.

Good luck people, and may the force be with you…

Words from Dad…

Wanted love is compassionate,
Unwanted love is frustrations…

Warranted affection is adorable, 
Unwarranted affection is harassment…

Age differences…

When I was back in primary school, I remember being in the same class as a third grader with other fellow fourth grader. Just having a year of schooling made a world of differences. The fact that they were older by “a whole year” meant that they practically knew more than me by a whole kajillion years. Well… that’s what it had seemed even if they were being dicks about everything. So generally, I mostly made friends with fellow third graders back then. It was generally the trend and I continued to make friends with people who were the same age, and actually felt closer with them as well as being able to relate a lot more than I could with the other kids that were a year older/younger than me. Through high school, it had felt like as I gained a year in school, I somehow also gained an internal sense of power and pride over the lesser years and there would be less shadows to watch out for as the seniors graduated year by year.

It had been like that till I reached University where I found that I could actually relate with other people who were either a couple of years plus/minus my own age now. I lost the sense of being categorised via years and found something that followed more closely to what you were actually interested in. I found most people who were 3+ years difference harder to connect with. There seemed to be more of a generation gap between us and it was just harder to “bond” with them. For the younger generation, it felt like they had all just jumped out of high school and had all these new themes and fads that they expected people to know. Things had varied from music, food, fashion, brands… none of which I had followed. And on the other end of the spectrum, were people who have been working for a while in the work  force and have these ‘at times’ gloomy outlook on various topics as well as being highly political and opinionated about various news and world-wide topics as well as money and economy.

I’m not exactly sure what has changed, or the exact point in time where the age perception paradigm in my head had altered and shifted, but more recently, I’ve made a few friends who are 5-10 year + or – my age, and feel that I could get along with them perfectly fine. Is it because my age tolerance has begun loosening over time? Or maybe it is because I know more about this world and am able relate to a wider spectrum of people? But because of this, I can slowly understand something that had been boggling my mind since childhood. Ever since I understood the concept of marriage, I could not understand the reasons behind why people would get married with ridiculous age differences. I could only imagine two main reasons. Either that the other half was horrendously rich or that they had found their “soul mate” which happened to not have been born in the same generation… Meh… To each their own.

But I have come to realise, sometimes there really is much more in the building of relationships as well as the kinds of things that can make people click together. Like Lego pieces and jigsaw puzzles, when they fit, it just feels totally right… no matter how odd their shapes and colours are. When they’re right… it’s totally tight!!! Yeah… (Cheesy, I know…) But this also has allowed me to understand how parents and offsprings can get closer or fall apart to/from each other as they grow up and understand more about each other. Sometimes, things like relationships, in any shape and form either feels right or not right. It can’t be forced. It just happens. It can be built, and it can also be destroyed. But I say this now, age is a relative concept. Just because someone is older/younger than you, does not mean that they have more or less experience than you, that they understand more or less than you, that they feel same or different from you. In this world, some people just love chocolate ice cream, some like vanilla, and some like strawberry ice cream. But that doesn’t mean people can’t like Hokey Pokey too… =P

Red bean arms and legs

One thing that I am still not used to here, is the amount of bugs and mossies that are just…. Around everywhere. It’s almost as if they’re stalking me. I have no idea why they’re after me. But they’re like everywhere. They might not be around when I look, but like sneaky black ninjas, as soon as I feel a itch, they’ve already left their mark with no traces of them anywhere. it’s as if my bloody is super juicy to them… They just keep coming back for more… And they don’t sting my other colleagues. It’s sad… For me.

Should they be dumb enough to come back for a second bite, I have my sonic clap, BAM waiting for them. Yea that’s right! Fear me mossies!!! Sadly, neither my roars or my arms flung about in furious frustrations actually gives them any pause to come back. If I do catch any, they usually burst into blood splatters with all my sweet sweet blood. Gah!

I hate them so much. People see my arms and legs they laugh and say they look like red bean cakes. =(

Hopefully I can get rid of those red itchy bite spots sometime soon.

Visit to a Buddhist Temple

I had been meaning to write about this earlier, or straight after it happened, but I never had gotten the chance to focus. The experience had been refreshing. About a month ago, I had gone up to Taipei to visit a really old friend of mine. She’s not old… (just clarifying) I’ve just known her for so long that she’s more like a Sis to me. It’s not like an elder or a younger Sis kinda relationship, just someone who I’ve shared many of my stories and adventures with from back in days of College. Anyways, this isn’t important…

I was so excited to catch up with her for so long, to the extent that I never really thought about what was on the agenda when I arrived. You know, maybe a meal or drink, here and there… walkabout… presto… catch up…  But no, nothing special like that happened. When I arrived, she really didn’t recognise me. I’ve never actually had my hair so short before, I think it really took awhile for her to adjust my image in her head. (She even had to call me first via phone to make sure if it was me…)

We had a pretty awesome time then, but she asked if I had planned anything. I said no… with that ‘yeah, I really had wanted to think of a cool idea, but nothing came up’ that kinda awkward look. She mentioned to me that her parents had wanted to go up to this Buddhist temple (I apologise, but I really can’t remember the name >.<) and asked if I would be interested. Seeing as I really had nothing up my sleeve, and also that going to visit a Buddhist temple is pretty random and unique, I said ‘yeah cool… lets go~’.

Oh yeah… on a side note, after living here for half a year, I had only realised that my family’s religion wasn’t really Buddhism but in fact, Taoism. Who knew… I grew up all my life telling people otherwise… haha… not that it mattered too much.

It was times like that, I really wished I had a camera. The place was amazing. The temple was high up in the mountains, the air was insanely fresh. They had this outdoors area that had a large pond to the entrance of the Buddhist statue. On the sides were some cabinets that were numbered from 1 to 108. My friend’s dad told me that if I made a prayer in front of the statue, a magical and spiritual number would come up. And that’s the number I should open. Intrigued, I couldn’t let an opportunity like this go amiss… So I made a prayer, and thought of the number… a few numbers came up. They were 24, 32, and 36. So what did this mean? Do I have a go at all three? Or do I focus more and narrow it down to one. Worrying about taking too many, I decided to go back to the prayer stands and to ask again, which one should I take. I concentrated really hard on the numbers, and it was 36 that felt apparently more visible than the others at the time. So Box 36 it was. I opened it and this was what it had said…

人生要在安定中求富足 , 又在鍛鍊中見其莊嚴 .
It had an English translation which read; Strive for prosperity and show grace in adversity.

I don’t think that it’s a direct translation, but the gist of the meaning was there… So basically, what it’s saying to me is that I need to do my best in all the things that I shall face… and to not lose my cool when the going gets tough. Okay, I had known that already… but somehow, the whole message just sounds much more profound and substantial when it comes out of a wooden box with a massive statue of Buddha sitting next to it.

I already know it’s going to be a long and hard road, but now I guess I’m more certain than ever. Time to rock on my serious face and wear that road down to a malleable piece of string in my hands!

Add oil people and peace~